. . : : i f t h i s i s w h a t y o u w a n t : : . .

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-06-04T16:02:00

2004-06-04T15:28:51Z

i've been happy recently, which is never a bad thing. i usually don't like the holidays much. not becuase i love college or anything. ha! but just becuase i dont really get to see my friends as much. HOWEVER! turns out i got to see them lots..AND lots!

Thursday - went into Lincoln with Debbee! we met her new friend from..erm, Grimsby i think? anyway, he was called bryan and he was very nice. we went back to mine and drank tea and watched Bo selecta. Met up with Richard and then all went down to Starbucks. Ahh STARBUCKS!<3 i never have anything different when i go there though. i don't like coffee! the smells nice, but i dont like the taste of the stuff. so it was a hot chocolate for me...again.
It was raining really hard that day and my feet got wet.we all walked Bryan to the bus station and met another man calle dBryan..but we called him Oscar. he was about..well, im no good at guessing ages but he was old, and he wanted debbees phone number. i could tell debbee wanted to give it to him but see got an attack of the nerves.
Thursday Night - went to debbee's and had a ruddy good time. Sol came over and the three of us had a party! drinking games, the lot! debbee says i cheat at the drinking games but i dont! I DONT!
After we were all a little merry, we sat down and watched Alan Partridge! i swear its x34728436 times funnier when your drunk!
Anyway, photos were taken so enjoy..

I apologise for how bad i look but hey! never mind!

next day, we went to sols and that was good. we watched all of The Day Today and played with the kitten. shes a Q.T! ha!

anyway, just thought i'd let you all in on the that has ben the past few days. i have more to update but can do that later. yeeeah. <33

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-06-01T14:57:00

2004-06-01T14:06:01Z

better get pictures out of the way first.

I'm going to take some more soon. my dad's just got back from Mexico so there cameras here also. too bad it's raining again.

Well, after my brief brake from the internet, i thought i'd come back to say hey n whatnot. i've been pretty good. the holidays are boring. i miss seeing people.

Richard and i had a huge pillow fight in his bed last night! that was so much fun. then we lay there and watched tv all night. we saw that scary show on channel 4, with the ghosts! wow! that was fucking awesome! richard was so scared. it was funny.

been feeling strange again thepast few days. i think i miss the security that i get with some people. i miss havent people there. close by to me. </3 sorry this is short..bee's just come to the door. will write again soon. xxx

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-28T13:52:00

2004-05-28T13:10:18Z

So, i have plans tonight..good plans! i just hope nothing ruins them now that i've got my hopes up.

Bee's coming to Lincoln later. we going it to Lincoln to party likes it 1999, baby! i know Rides the Bus are playing somewhere in Lincoln so hopfully we will follow the music and watch them for a while! Cock yer leg are playing too but..meh. Then, once we found ryan and who ever he's brought with him, we shall go to that happiest place on earth - SUGARCUBES!!
No money = No drinking. oh well. i only really wanna dance and meet new people so all will be well.

Last night was fun. Richard and i stayed in all night and we played SNAP for ages. i'd like to point out i won everytime. then we put on all of his really old cd's and danced to them. it's been a while since i've danced on a bed to the Spice Girls but it still felt just as good.

<3333

The end<3

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-27T11:15:00

2004-05-27T10:31:17Z

i could actually be bothered to do a good job shaving my legs last night so im prancing around lincoln today in a skirt. for the first time in ages! just thought i'd share. i like skirts. ahem..anyway.

Yup, so i had my drama exam. we got to meet the examiner before we performed and he looked so scary. turned out he was quite cool actually so that was all right. THEN all the performing arts people came into the studio to watch us. i was so fucking nervous. i felt so sick. Last nights performance had so many things go wrong and i knew it was going to happen all over again. twice as bad.because thats the way it works!! when your gettins assesed, things are bound to go wrong.

Turns out, however, that NOTHING WENT WRONG!! woo! i rememberd every fucking word! and i even cried in it! (which i dont usualy do) and the little problem we had about the guy slapping me went out the window. he hit me so fucking hard in the face. it hurt so bad but i was so glad he had done it.
the only thing that didnt go right was on one part, 'my husband' was ment to throw a tray of cups at me, and they were ment to smash every where. every time we've done this it workd, but last night they bounced on the floor and hit the sound man. none of them smashed! i wanted to laugh but i held it back.
yup, so all in all, it went very well!

Nobody spoke to me about it though. asked me how it went. even my mum didnt know. maybee i hadnt mentioned it but im pretty sure i had done. that made me feel abit crap. SAM was texting me last night, and told me well done n everything. he makes me smile. <33 then mr harris text me and we spoke for ages about random things like 'not the nine o'clock news', brasseye, the day today, alan partridge, him coming to visit blah blah blah. i hope he does come to visit. it'l be so strange seeing him again.

i sat alone in my room last night. listening to sad songs. i felt really low last night. i think if i just sit by myself, i alow myself to think about the bad things that are going on in my life. i really should do that..i know i cant handle it well.

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-25T13:19:00

2004-05-25T12:48:21Z

Nervous! i admit it now. i am nervous.

i'm getting assessed soon on my performance in this play. and i know im not going to do well. i only just know my lines. and i know i can always improvise it. but its when the other guys mess their lines up, it throws me right off track too. i could be going through my script now but i keep putting it off.

i dont want to talk about it any more!

saw my house mate again last night for the first time in ages which was cool. we were mid conversation when he said 'my god! not being pervy but your boobs have gotten bigger!' was quite embarrassing but we carried on talking. we told each other about our weekends and talked about who we want to fill our spare room. we were going to have this girl called mia, but she took an over dose the other day and cut (scratched at) her wrists. shes out of hospital now and still wants to move in. However, richard thinks shes a bit mad now and doesnt want her living with us. so we're back to square one. we need a new flat mate!! really badly! any body want to move to lincoln and live with me, leave your details and i'll get back to you.

don't all rush at once...

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-24T17:47:00

2004-05-24T17:04:50Z

i had a picnic in the art gallery gardens to day. it was so perfect. i was with darren and john and the three of us, for the first time, really bonded. i told them about all the shit that has happen with my family over the years and they really seemed to listen to me. which i was really thankful for. Usually, when i talk about my past to people, i always think there not listening to me. which pisses me off. but the two of them really listend to me. so thank you

rehearsal was in the art gallery gardens aswell. i really couldnt concentrate though. i had loads of things on my mind. i just wanted to be on my own after a while.

came online and had a long talks with people. sorted stuff out. left feeling awful.

sam cheered me up loads though which put the smile back on my face. thankyou angel <33

organising a big night out on friday. have got ryan and mark to come out so garenteed fun!<3

anyway, im boring myself with this post so i better stop now. thanks bee for helping me with everything <3 love you <3

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-24T09:47:00

2004-05-24T08:46:30Z

do you think about me... half as much as i think about you?

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-23T22:12:00

2004-05-23T21:18:18Z

if i've done this right, you can go look at some pictures i took a while back...IF!

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-23T14:43:00

2004-05-23T13:53:41Z

i've just had a 1hour long play fight with my brother. i totally lost! i didnt realise how strong he was! on one part of our fight, i smashed my head against the wall and was lying there for a while, thinking about the pain. then he pinned me down and put the Exorcist music on. I HATE IT!!! that music really creeps me out. kids at school used to do that to me too in my drama lessons. bitches. i managed to brake free and run out side until he had turned it off.

Had to get up early this moring and do the whole long walk to work. Got there and my two bosses were sat outside playing with their kids. 'somethings not right?!' i thought. turns out they cancled the party i had to waitress for.so i could have stayed in bed! tut. on the walk home two cars and one motorbike beeeped at me. i dont have a clue who they were? have a feelin dan and michael were in one of the cars. hmmm.

Dads in mexico now. i so wish i could have gone with him. damn exams! </3 going to debies tonight..well, this afternoon. shes making me a cd. with all our love songs on it!! yeeea! feeling miss-mactched again today. gosh, i dont know what to think.

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-22T16:11:00

2004-05-22T15:19:36Z

me and debbie and melissa went out last night. to this horrible place. full of strange people! it was called ratty's and everyone in there did infact look like a rat. me and debbie told this crowd of guys we were twins and they believed us. ha! melissa had guys falling over themselves to get next to her. it was quiet amusing to watch. granted, she is very attractive. she got the whole blonde, ditzy, beautiful thing going on. but debbie and i agreed there and then that we would rather go out with each other than her. heh!

we have plans to go to cubes on friday so if anyones in lincoln and wants to join us? i think we're going to do the twin thing again..it seems to get us attention. matching outfits!! think so!! <3

not much more to write about now...

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-21T20:12:00

2004-05-21T19:15:29Z

i hate my face.

thank you to beee for helping mee! <333

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-21T11:35:00

2004-05-21T10:38:45Z

i was walking down the street last night and this huge black (sorry, coloured..or whatever) man with all his bling, and his stupid walk, came up to me and stared saying 'let me see your teeshirt! let me see your teeshirt!' so i was like 'erm, ok.' he had a look and then i turned to run off and he shouted 'no, let me see it!' so i just turned to him and he started moving my jacket so he could see it all. i shouted 'i've gota go!' and ran off. as i was walking off i could still hear him saying 'yea, thats cool!' and 'gota get me one of those'.

i dont like to leave the house now.

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-20T15:39:00

2004-05-20T14:48:36Z

i think last night was the most drunk i've ever been and i didnt spend any money. whaa? makes no sense!
it was fun last night but not as good as indie night. that still amazes me how fun it was.

we played drunk jenga before we went out. I won. i am the best. and then we played prison rule jenga. won that too. ha.

<3tried to phone benn like a million times!1 but he was sleeping. i was rather upset by this. heh!<3

i've got to film this 'party in the pub' thing tonight. god, i really dont want to stand in a room with the dickheads from college for longer than i have too.

my trip to italy is all booked now. im going to paris, then switzerland, then rome, then vennice, then paris again, then home, and im done. i cant wait. im going to live in italy some day, i swear.<3

meeting debbie today. i miss that girl. <3

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-19T11:14:00

2004-05-19T10:21:27Z

i feel a mixture of things today. which is different. <3

(this part will only be found remotely interesting by debbie most probably)Mr Harris text me last night!! eeeeeep! wow, i cant describe how shocked and happy i was! he said he had writen me a letter in feb and kept losing it (whatever) and...he misses me! well, i'm guessing he means talking to me but meh. we spoke for hours and it was so good. we wants me to send him a picture of me 'looking like a woman' cause apparently i am one now. ha.

Alex texted me, blah blah blah. im not very nice about him when i should be.

Spoke to an old friend called nick last night! we hadn't spoken in ages so it was good to catch up. i actually only found out his name last night coz i had always called him superman (coz he looks like clarke kent. not in the superman film, but in the smallvillie programme...mmmm!) he decided to make up a superhero name for me so we could be parters and save the world together! so my name is VIXEN and my special power is the power of SEDUCTION!! i can make any man or woman fall in love with me! *sigh* if only! id just like to point out, he made that up, not me. i dont think so highly of myself as he does!

Scream tonight. i have no money. i hope they play britney. <3.

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-18T13:35:00

2004-05-18T12:34:31Z

ohmy.ohmy.ohmy.ohmy.ohmy.ohmy.ohmy.ohmy.ohmy.ohmy.ohmy.ohmy.

KILROY IS IN LINCOLN!!

my brother just phoned me and told me! he sounded so excited!

<33

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-18T12:53:00

2004-05-18T11:59:51Z

you think you know some one, but you don't.

it makes me mad how people can change so quickly. and they can just dismiss feelings they ever had for you.

this hot weather is getting to me.

My portfolio is due in this after noon and its not finished. fingers crossed it will be but the heat is slowing me down.

Ok, so Scream again on Wednesday. that'll make me happy. just thinking about last time makes me smile. Alex will be there so we will get to meet each other with out being drunk. He doesn't remember what i look like. Ha! i remember him though. he looks like that guy from Hollyoaks. Darren i think his name is? except he dresses alot better. anyway.

My brother went in to hospital the other day. he got this lump on the insde on his throat and it started bleeding. sexy! (not sure why i said that) i think he's ok now. they've given him tablets.

i wish i had a swimming pool...

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-17T11:38:00

2004-05-17T10:58:38Z

alright, so saturday night was AMAZING!! i seriously can't remember when i had that much fun!
Basicly, me, richard, mia, jenny and ben had a meal and then decided we wanted to go out. ben and i really didnt want to go anywhere with dance music so we decided to go to the indie night at Scream. (hey, its better than dance music..or CUBES!!)we say down stairs in quayside for a few hours. we kept buying cokes cause i had put a bottle of vodka in my bag so i was bar tender for the night. HA! im so sneeky. even thought i cant stand vodka! its tastes like the devil. anyway. Scream opened and we got to jump the queue cause ben knows the guy on the door. we got in and i wasn't 'happy drunk' yet so we got more drinks and thats where the fun started! once everyone was kinda drunk, everyone was dancing with everyone! it was so much fun! i got a drink thrown down my top by a drunk girl so i gave her the finger (when she wasn't looking of course. im not that brave) and this boy thought i was doing it at him. he looked quite hurt! so on the off chance your reading this (and i know your not) im sorry!<3 i found if you brake away from the people your with and dance in the middle of the floor on your own, you'll get nice people come up to you. like ewan and alex!!! they were so nice to me! especially ewan. he was possible the sweetest guy i've ever met! it was so strange because it was like we had know each other before (i know that sounds oh so corney). i fell in love with his belt and his boxer shorts. and i can remember being i right prick and undoing my trousers to show him my knickers. GOD! he said they were pretty though, so all was well. we spoke for a while and it turns out he lives in Sheffield, and has only come down for a friends birthday. i was abit upset about that but hey. when it ended he walked me out side and we hugged for ages and he was saying the nicest things. it was really horrible saying good bye and it was so strange because we had only just met. he left and that was that.
Alex text me last night. we spoke for a while. actually till 2 in the morning. the conversation was..erm, alright i guess. he wants to meet up again soon. not sure if i will. then again, know one else will want to so i might aswell. heh.
i can't believe how much fun i had. i actually used the phrase 'i dont want this night to end!' haha. loser.

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-14T08:45:00

2004-05-14T07:58:42Z

well, last night was fun to say the least.

had to get the bus home (god, i hate the bus) but i got a text from lloyd when i got on!! shocked i was! i havent heard from him in forever! he asked if i got all my things back ok and then was saying how he missed hanging out. i guess i do to. i had fun with lloyd. anyway, we spoke for the whole bus journey so it wasn't so bad.
had to babysit last night and i made one of them cry. he was really pissing me off though!! i told him he couldn't play his guitar so he had a big girly strop. loser! hes only 7 but hes still a loser. mwah, i love kids.
oh yeah! also last night, i got a text from phil! a guy i met at cubes once! we spoke for ages and then it just stopped which i was kinda pissed of about cause i liked him at the time but meh.but he text me asking if i was at the brand new gig cause he thought he saw me. but i wasn't. and then he came out with this huge apology for being a cunt and we ended up talking all night. i forgot how funny he was. we had a fight about what was the better favour milkshake you can get at mcdonalds. he said strawberry. the weirdo. its clearly chocolate. errmm, yea.
going to pizza hut on sunday with debbie, richard and lissa to reminisce. i always have so much fun with them<3
boy at college is making me a cd.for free.CASH BACK!!

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-13T14:35:00

2004-05-13T13:38:05Z

you make me nervous!! xx

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-11T14:35:00

2004-05-11T13:38:47Z

Pour ceux-là de vous qui peut lire le français.

Je fou à me. peut pourquoi je n'obtiens pas des gens agréables pour rester avec moi? ils toujours partent avec hors avertissant. oh mon! Que ferai-t-j'avec me?

i was in a moaning mood and didnt want to inflict it on the rest of you. this is for you, babygirl charlotte. crack this code!<3

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-11T12:32:00

2004-05-11T12:01:11Z

its very rare that i can write and say everythings been going ok, and that i'm quite happy at the moment but now happens to be one of those rare occasions.
today started off really well. my hair was behaving and the batteries in my walkman lasted all day. i went in to college and found mark on a computer so i went to go check email. then he came down stairs and found me and asked if i wanted to go on a walk. so i said yes. it was a really nice day and seemed a shame to waste it in doors. we wnet all the way into town and just wondered around. i told him i was going to make him a birthday card but he said he wanted me to make one. for my last birthday, he made me one with a cowboy on it! yeeeha! so i've made him one with a pirate on it! me and my flatmate stayed up really late thinking of loads of pirate stuff to put in it! none of it was particularly funny but it made us laugh at the time. then we decided to go in every cake shop we came across. think we went in about 3-4 and he brought cakes from nearly all of them. he gave me half of one of them. i didnt really like it but i ate it anyway. we walkd quite away from colege and i wonderd where we were going but then we bumped into some of his mates so we had to go over and say hi. he spoke to them for a while, while i played with my shoes laces and then we went to hmv to smoooch around for abit more. four of them were going to see nofx that night so they seemed to talk about that alot. i was late for a lecture so i had to run back to college. i had my lesson which was dull and then i had a rehersal to go to. this slap thing is still not happening. he still refuses to hit me! and ive told him i dont mind and that i want him to hit me! but he still wont do it. so we decided to try out doing that fake slapping. you know, when the hand goes really close to your face but doesnt actually touch it? well we had a few goes at that. one such go resulted in my sunglasses getting knocked off my face. then a few time after that, he did it really close to my face. and i can remember looking at his face while he was doing it and feeling so scared. it really was scary! i've never been hit in the face before but even that was scary. i said to my friend quietly 'fuck, that was scary' and he heard and said he's definatly not going to do it now if he scared me. throught out the rehearsal, he kept coming up to me and hugging me saying, 'i never ment to scare you' i guess its good to know that there are some guys out there who do have morals and respect for women. yeeaa.
anyway! at night me and my sister went to see that film. the one which title i can never get right but you all should know it by now. kate winslet looked absolutly stunning! she was so beautiful! her hair kept changing through out the whole film and she looked so different and unique. it was a really confusing but amazing film. but something reallt emmbaressing happend before we went to see it. because we were 15mins late for the film, me and my sister had to run all teh way from town, to the odeon and into the film. because we ran so fast, our eyes mustn't have adjusted right because as we walked in, we couldnt see ANYTHING!! im not joking, it was like being blind!! nicola kepted whispering, 'i cant seee!' and she pushed me in front to find seats. i started to feel around and walked into this little wall at the front which made a really loud bang! then i found the steps and started to walk up them. i still couldnt see a thing! i was feeling on all the chairs and must have felt up about 5 different people and tripped up about 8 times. i could heard people laughing at us! i was so emmbarressed. i found seats but then i lost my sister. fuckin hell!! so i started calling for her. i could hear her laughing so i found her quite quickly. then we did finally find empty seats so that was all dandy.my sister told me that she went to the very back row and felt around, only to find 3 butch townie girls. eeep!
as we sat down for around 10mins, our eyes adjusted and it turns out, you can see really clearly after being there for a while. so everyone watching the film would have seen me and my sister, feeling up the chairs, looking like two blind girls. we kept laughing through the film though. we r silly. i love spending time with nicola! she one of the only girls who's company i can stand.
my alarm didnt go off this morning so was 15mins late for lesson. and everything seems like that today. like im rushing around. i want to go home. im bored here.
here's my little tribute to my debbie..ahem.

I LOVE YOU MISS DEBBIE always have, always will.

x x x x x x x

sorry if this is a little long for your liking.

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-10T09:05:00

2004-05-10T08:15:38Z

so so tired.

lectures don't start till 1:30 and i still had to get up at 6 to get the bus in. i hate the bus. i hate the bus so much.
ooh! a boy just sat next to me. we're both wearing stripey tops and both wearing black converse. we're twins. i might have to go tell him.
so i'm not working till the 22nd so i've got loads of free time and no one to spend it with! anyone want to come to lincoln and play with me!? (looking at you debbie)
haven't been back to the house yet but i know its going to be a huge mess. everytime i go back my parents house and then come home, the house is always messy. and loads of washing up, and no electric left..im just up setting myself now!
i want to go see more bands. i had such fun last time and wana go again.
had a huge fight with my sister yesterday. i stole one of her bras and she found out. eeep. never mind. we might be going to see that new jim carrey film today..i forget what its called. something with sunshine in it? anyway, all i know is that its got kate winslet in it so it must be good..shes beautiful.
just put my hand in someones chewing gum...nice

<333333

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-09T13:17:00

2004-05-09T12:18:56Z

i've just been woken up to the sound of my mum, telling me shes making me pancakes. i fucking LOVE pancakes!! so thats put me in the bestest of moods. she even let me put my cds on in the kitchen which im not usually alowed to do because 'nobody likes your music!'
my dads just come back from visiting my grandad and he says everythings going really well for him. then him, myself and my brother had a really long talk about global warming.hmmm, interesting!!
wow, i really need to get dressed soon. i want to take more photos today. mother says i have a 'gift'. but she would say that, wouldn't she. ha.
can't really say much as i've only just woken up but thankyou to some one for making me happy last night<33

the end<3

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-08T23:13:00

2004-05-08T22:22:30Z

leeds is off for tomorrow. but thats ok. we'll go another day. debbies upset, i know she is, so if she's reading this - i still want to come see you tomorrow. I LOVE YOU oh so much and it kills me to see you upset. things will get better.

Had a shoddy night at work. it was the football club and they were all a bunch of wankers. and their trophy girlfriends were even worse. i wanted to hit all of them.

harry and danny walked me home and we nearly got hit by about three cars. clever. while walking though, i got a phone call from my ex saying 'whats this about you missing me as a boy friend?' whaaaaat?? i hadnt said anything of the sort. turns out this bitch from schools been stirring shit up. NEWSFLASH!! school finished years ago and i don't care about you fuckers anymore! i could even hear her in the back ground laughing. stupid bitch.

i'm confused at the moment with where i stand with people.

<33333

hold_ur_breath @ 2004-05-08T14:48:00

2004-05-08T13:56:21Z

ok, i'm getting mad! i have pictures that i wana put on here but i cant! maybee it's because i'm stupid, maybee its because my computers lame. whatever, this doesnt seem to be working. guess i'll have to wait for daddy to come fix it.

i took sweets from a stranger today. he said, 'take six' so i took seven. ha. i was feeling all depressed again when i got in so i've eaten them all. ahh, gota love that sugar rush.

Craig kept phoning me last night but i didnt dare pick the phone up. that or i couldnt be botherd to talk to him. i think it was a bit of both.

making a new faceparty profile. under construction.

<333333